Pain

it wasn't till we were back in doctor alfiler's office that i allowed myself to cry. i couldn't help myself. i was so disappointed because i was already looking forward to giving birth in january.

i had to apologize for the outburst and dr. alfiler was so comforting. she told me something that was so poignant, that made me want to cry even more. she said that she understood my feelings, even if she had no children herself, which was perhaps why she understood only so well, and why she feels compelled to take very good care of her patients who are like children to her.

i was not aware that somebody else had stepped into the room, and only when dr. alfiler said "hi al," did i realize it was A.

i wonder what must have crossed his mind as i turned to look up at him all teary-faced. instantly i saw his face change from puzzlement to worry.

it was then i finally understood why i was crying. just yesterday, as we walked to rufo's for lunch, he was telling me how good he felt, that soon we were going to have a baby. and he looked very happy indeed, too. i teased him that he was being cocky. he denied it, but he admitted it made him feel very macho. the pregnancy made him feel like he's on top of the world, and now i could just imagine how he must feel.

and i imagined my mom and my dad, A's mom and dad, our siblings and friends who wished us well, and have been so happy for us. how are we going to tell them?

with me i am realizing that i am rather overcome with relief--perhaps because i can draw strength from my faith--that it still wasn't time yet for A and i to have a child. and i would have dreaded to bring a weak baby into the world full-term, and somehow that thought made the discontinuance of the pregnancy acceptable.